The Money Quarrel

[luzula]

So as well as previous quarrels, my mom and I have now had The Money Quarrel! Fun times. But tomorrow I will be back home, whew.

We are on vacation sharing a cabin for two weeks, I am paying for my part of the cabin rent. Today Mom suggested I should pay for my share of the groceries. This is in itself entirely reasonable and would've been tacitly understood if I had been traveling with anyone else. It's just that it bumps up against previous money issues in my family, namely that I know my mom would never ask my sister to do that.

For background, I am 39 and my sister is 34. I have had more money than my sister for pretty much all of our adult lives, and my parents have helped her by loaning her a fairly large sum of money to buy a house. I have also loaned my sister money for the same purpose (about half what my parents have). Also my mom tends to give her more expensive presents. My sister and her husband are not poor, though, they both have jobs and enough money that they can afford to right now spend three weeks with their kid on vacation on Tenerife.

I don't mind that my sister has had economic benefits from my parents. I live a life where I don't have high expenses (for example, I share a rented apartment with three other people) and I have a good salary and more than enough money myself. But for some reason this small thing with the groceries rubs me the wrong way. I mean, it's probably irrational of me to be okay with the big picture economic help but be irritated by it when it's something small.

Other family history that is relevant to this quarrel:
- That my mom feels I am stingy with my money and should take them out to dinner more often. (To be fair, they occasionally do this with me and my sister.)
- That I feel my mom values my sister's life choices over mine--that is, she values my sister getting a kid and a house of her own over me spending my life doing social movement organizing and flat-sharing.
- That my mom thought a proper christening present from me to my sister's kid would have been to offer to pay for all her diapers in the future (as opposed to the book I did give her). With the implication that she thinks I should contribute to the expenses for my sister's kid.

Digging into it more, maybe the following exchange is relevant:
Mom: I bet you would never help me if I became poor.
Me: Of course I would.
Mom: Yeah, but your definition of poor is so low, I bet you would never help me so I could travel.
Relevant here is that I have stopped flying for environmental reasons. Maybe my mom feels that I am imposing my standards of living on other people, by not contributing more than I do economically compared to my sister, whom my mom wishes to have a more comfortable middle-class life than they have?

I have a great relationship with my sister, though! It's just my mom that I have quarrels with (to be fair though, we have good times as well).

Comments

AAIAIIIAIAIAIAIIIIII!

[jesse_the_k]

Your mom knows how to push your buttons because she installed them.

I totally understand why this irritates you.

Hope the day goes swiftly and without further economic issues.

Re: AAIAIIIAIAIAIAIIIIII!

[luzula]

To be fair, it probably is wrong of me to suggest that I should not pay my share of the groceries! It's just that ties in with other family issues in, well, the way described above.

Thanks for your good wishes.

Re: AAIAIIIAIAIAIAIIIIII!

[isis]

Your mom knows how to push your buttons because she installed them.

That is funny, concise, and TRUE.

(Best of luck, Luz!)

[falena]

Family is so complicated. I am already wondering what mistakes I am making that will fuck up my relationship with my daughters. *hugs*

[luzula]

Ha, yes, it really is, and in different ways in each family. I never quarrel with anyone other than my mom! We just push each other's buttons the wrong way. *sigh*

Good luck with your daughters, though!

[falena]

Thanks!

[espresso_addict]

Sympathies! It does sound as if your life choices are ones your mother finds hard to understand.

[luzula]

Thanks for the sympathies! Yeah, I guess we have different priorities...

[toft]

I'm sorry, it's so frustrating and difficult when something small in itself ends up feeling so big because there's an iceberg under it!

[luzula]

I think that's family quarrels in a nutshell? Like, there's so much previous history there.

It's like sometimes you see couples quarreling in the grocery store, and you wonder what are they actually quarreling about, because you can't see that iceberg yourself.

[hurry_sundown]

Because you didn't ask for advice, all I'm going to say is that you're not alone. I don't begrudge either of my sibs the assistance my parents have given them, but it rankles when I hear, "Well, it's not like you and [Spouse] need the money." Yeah, we don't need the money because we spent years establishing financial security by saving every penny, not taking expensive trips, or dining at expensive restaurants, or buying a new wardrobe every season, or cars we can't actually afford. Some of the sibs' difficulties arose from factors outside of their control, but one in particular didn't make lifestyle changes that would have helped prevent/limit the chaos. Sorry, I'm venting in your journal, aren't I?

You be you, Luz. * hug* You can't change how your mom acts, only how you react.

[luzula]

I'm totally okay with your venting, it makes me feel I'm not alone.

My sister is not at all wasteful with her money, rather the reverse, so that's not an issue with us. I should probably talk to her and maybe we can figure out a solution together.

Am pondering having "fight less with mom" as one of my New Year's goals, and thinking about ways to accomplish this.

[feroxargentea]

to be fair though, we have good times as well

This is a thing to hold to, for sure. Families so often fall out permanently over things as ridiculous as who pays for whose nappies.

*hugs*

[luzula]

Thanks! *hugs back*

Yeah, we're not about to fall out permanently over this. Mom does blow up quickly, but she doesn't in general hold grudges (except for how the buttons are still there and still sensitive when the next quarrel rolls around).

[mergatrude]

*hugs*

Family politics is a tricky thing.

[luzula]

Thanks! *hugs back*

Yeah, they really are.

[riverlight]

I'm so sorry. This sounds so rough. Ugh. Finances are the worst!

[luzula]

In our case I don't think it's actually about money but about things that the money symbolizes. But mom called me and kind of made up? Like, the issues are not actually resolved, but we're definitely talking to each other.